It’s a sad day when a kid feels like home is a prison and not a secure place to be.

The following is an excerpt from my book, Reconciliation, A Son’s Story.   I was in my teens when PTSD symptoms started to kick-in and become worrisome.
“I believe all of the mental and physical abuse discussed in this story begs the question of how it affected my own disposition as my teen years advanced.  I was feeling more and more in-secure as time went by, wondering about what was next, and who our new friends would be, and how we would fit in, and what my parents would end up doing, and where we would live.  There was some excitement about returning to Southern California at that time, getting back to school, and meeting new girls especially.  I had lots of goals and my thoughts were often of the future, leaving home and being on my own.  I wanted out of this chaotic and unstable toxic home life.   I was nervous very nervous most of the time.  I believe the early stages of PTSD and unstable behavior started to kick in at that time.  At age 14 or so, I felt exhausted and confused, without direction, and not knowing whether my parents really cared about us at all.” 

Romance in Hawaii as a young sailor and surf dude was the best treatment for PTSD symptoms.

The following excerpt from my book, Reconciliation, A Son’s Story, reminds me of the wonders and excitement of romance in Hawaii.

“I was having fun, too much fun and working 12 on 12 off, 24 off, 12 on 12 off with a 72 hour break.  Living in Waikiki with 5 other sailors was great too.  I would stay on the base during my 12 hour shifts; take off to the beach for romance and surfing during the long weekends.  I loved the girls who came over for spring break or after graduating from high school.  It was love at first sight just about every other two weeks or so.
My big emotional challenge during that memorable experience back in the summer of 1964 in Hawaii was falling in love with a beautiful young lady, named Sheryl.  She came over for an entire month for her HS graduation.  She was tall and slender and very sexy.  I met other girls during my stay, but Sheryl was the one that really got my attention.  We fell in love right away, and spent the next 30 days or so experiencing a wonderful romance in Hawaii.  I loved every moment of her company, and couldn’t wait for my next time away from the base to be with her.  It was difficult staying on the base while working.  I unwisely used my short 24 hour break and took off for Waikiki even though there wasn’t a whole lot of time. 

More often than not I raced down to Waikiki to be with her for a few hours during 12 hour breaks.  I didn’t want to miss a moment to spend with Sheryl.  She was absolutely the best thing that happened to me during my Navy experience in Hawaii.  Even surfing took a back seat for awhile.  Sleeping became less of a priority as well.  Love clearly releases an abundance of energy in a young man.  I was already a skinny dude and probably lost another 10 lbs during this high energy period.  This experience simply took my breath away.”

Can the symptoms of PTSD cause amnesia?

The following excerpt from my book, Reconciliation, A Son’s Story demonstrates how a traumatic condition might wipe out a person’s memory of certain events.   

“It is very scary for me to find out over 40 years after the event that my 30 day cruise and experience aboard the USS Coucal (ASR-8) in 1965 had been completely blocked out of my mind for the most part.  I do remember bits and pieces like in a dream of being on the ship looking at the shore off Makaha Beach and the surfers feeling very sad about not being back on shore duty enjoying the benefits of surfing.  My experience aboard this ship was completely wiped out!  I can’t remember anything of any substance at all.  I am very anxious to find ways to remember this experience and what happened on board the ship for the 30 days out at sea.  I hope and pray my memory of this experience returns and helps me heal from what must have been a highly traumatic time in my life.  I had hoped that my Naval medical records from that time would reveal the experience, but there were no references of a medical condition or accident requiring treatment during my USS Coucal training cruise.”

Following service in the Viet Nam War from September 1976 to September 1977, Coucal operated from her home port at Pearl Harbor, mainly supporting submarine training.  Coucal was decommissioned at Pearl Harbor.  In April 1990, ex-Coucal was sunk in the first PACFLT test of a Tomahawk anti-ship missile, fired from USS Chancellorsville (CG-62).  reference:

Even if painful, keeping memories alive with family and friends is healing.

Following is an excerpt from my book, Reconciliation, A Son’s Story.  The stories of family history came together mostly from discussions with my father, Vernon H. Sparks.  So far, few records have been located to develop the stories further and to verify facts. 

“My dad talked fondly of his childhood, especially times on his grandparents farm in the Red River Valley in North Dakota.  He loved this time as a child the best.  His grandmother was  Native American, and grandfather was from the old country.  He rode horses, hunted, fished, and worked hard.  His grandparents were highly respected and well off at the time.  Their three sons, including my grandfather Art, all had their life challenges and success eluded them for the most part.  Except for Uncle Harry, who took his inheritance and bought a farm in Ascov, Mn.  Uncle Bob Sparks died of alcohol poisoning, alone and mostly homeless. Grandpa Art passed away in his mid 60’s of a heart condition and alcohol, basically a poor and unhappy man.  My grandmother Mildred lived well into her 80’s and had mostly close relationships with her children and grandchildren.  I didn’t see much of any of them after joining the Navy.  I have recently reconnected with my cousins and surviving aunts from both sides of the family while doing research for this story and to retrace my roots.    My daughter, Bianca, and her family recently moved to Eden Prairie, Mn giving me more motivation to find my way back and to share family roots with Bianca and grandkids, Joey and Jordan.  Another effect of my own PTSD condition was to ignore where my family lived and roots, sharing hardly anything with my children until recently.  Discussions about my own parents have been limited to negative references for the most part, leaving my kids with a feeling that they didn’t want anything to do with my family.  I take full responsibility for this behavior, and intend to make it up by writing this story and sharing my family history with my own family for the rest of my time.”

The surprise Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941 lives forever in the minds of survivors.

An excerpt from my book, Reconciliation, A Son’s Story to honor our heroes on this Memorial Day 2011.  My Dad, Vernon H. Sparks, along with several hundred shipmates, were aboard the USS West Virginia as it is shown bombed and sinking in the below photo.  He fortunately abandoned ship and survived on that terrible Sunday morning, the beginning of WWII.

“It gives me pause to think about this “surreal” event in the minds of men who were mentally unprepared for the attack.  I can imagine when the first explosions were heard that one would not make a connection to torpedoes or bombs being delivered precisely to their targets with the intent to surprise, destroy, and kill in what was considered a “safe harbor.”  Looking out “open portholes” during an attack or even having the portholes open was neither an acceptable practice nor how sailors were trained to respond.  Watching a fellow seaman get his head literally blown off his shoulders would create a shock to the body and mind that would forever be implanted in a person’s psyche.  This surprise attack had to be an “Armageddon” for those either with religious or non-religious beliefs.  How would any of them who survived get the experience rationalized to the extent that they could go on to fight another day?  How would their lives be affected, and how could they even discuss the event with family members who would not understand?  Would they decide not to discuss it at all?   We now know the answer and subsequently became victims as family members and paid a price ourselves, but not even close to price our dear heroes and my father paid.”


How an old shipmate remembers Dad is most touching on this Memorial Day.

Following is an excerpt from my book, Reconciliation, A Son’s Story. 

Vernon  H. Sparks served on the USS Belle Grove (LSD2) in the Asiatic Pacific Theater during WWII from August 1943 to June 1945 just before the war ended.  The Belle Grove was at sea for 25 months before the first liberty.  The men serving on this war weary ship delivered troops and equipment and repaired other US Naval ships in seven campaigns during this period.  The USS Belle Grove became one of the most decorated war ships of that time and later served in Viet Nam as well.  These men were also responsible for transporting Marines onto shore for the fight and for bringing back the wounded and killed.  Charlie Minter was one of my Dad’s shipmates and had this to say about him.

Quoting Charles Minter <> :
“Steve- My name is Charlie Minter. I served under Sparks on deck of the Belle Grove. I went
aboard on Oct 43 was assigned to the 3rd. division aft. The first chewing out I ever got was from Bosn Sparks. He had the longest arm of any one I ever saw. You didn’t fool with him. He was fair as anyone this little 17 year old ever knew. . He could get loud too. I thought a lot of him on
the ship. He was good to me as he got me a pie job on the ship. But with the understanding I would keep his uniforms pressed at all time which I did. Hope this helps.” Charles R Minter P.O. Box 585 Daleville, Va.

On this Memorial Day it is a great honor to remember my Dad and all his shipmates on the USS Belle Grove, including Charlie Minter’s kind recollections of his relationship with “Bosn Sparks.”

BMC Sparks is 3rd Chief Petty Officer from the right in 2nd row.  The Belle Grove was in need of repair at the end of WWII.

A symptom of PTSD, extreme guilt, often lives forever with surviving combat veterans.

Following is an excerpt from my book, Reconciliation, A Son’s Story.
“When Dad completed his shore patrol assignment in Hawaii in the summer of 1943, it had been almost two years since the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor.  He was able to return home briefly for a few weeks before returning to war in the Pacific.  He was promoted to Chief Petty Officer (BMC) early in 1943 and subsequently assigned to the USS Belle Grove (LSD2).   He was on the commissioning crew of August 9, 1943. Dad was one of three Pearl Harbor survivors on the BG.  He was held in high esteem.   The BG would become one of the most decorated war ships in the Pacific Asiatic Theater serving in 7 campaigns, included the now famous Iwo Jima battle.  LSD means Landing Ship Dock.  These mighty ships were cleverly designed as a sea going ship repair station deployed in the campaigns to repair damaged ships at sea, land marines on the beach, and to recover the wounded and killed. 
These men, heroes to be sure, who landed on the beaches of places like Iwo Jima, knew they were given a 50% or less chance of survival.  My dad carried marines onto shore and risked his life as well, but never felt he was a hero or was doing what his fellow marines had to do.  In other words, he wasn’t exactly on a suicide mission like the rest, so he as well as most sailors felt guilty most of the time for being alive.  This kind of guilt lives with men following the war for the rest of their lives.  It is one of the symptoms creating the conditions for PTSD.  Interesting but tragically, the feeling of guilt also lives with the abused spouses and children of surviving combat veterans.   Guilt is evident in most cases of PTSD whether from combat, surviving an accident where others were killed, or from living in a toxic family culture as a survivor of long term abuse. 

This subject requires much more research to determine why the conditions of abuse cause guilt similar to the guilt experienced by survivors of war and other tragedies that cause trauma to minds and body.  There must be a connection in the mix that relates back to the “I’m not deserving or good enough” mindset.  This kind of feeling happens to me all the time, much more so as a younger man.  And this kind of guilt feeling can be destructive and cause a person not to manage success very well.  We deserve failure but not success so to speak.  But we who suffer with PTSD work hard to be successful and to prove our worthiness.” 

Many WWII combat veterans did not get to know their kids until the war ended.

The following excerpt from my book, Reconciliation, A Son’s Story shows how war and PTSD symptoms can create a lifetime struggle for a father and son to bond and experience a loving relationship.

“My oldest sibling suffered the most of all of us.  Dad was not home from the war when he was born in September 1941.  I believe Dad was steaming toward Pearl Harbor, Hawaii on the USS West Virginia at that time and was not able to get leave to see his first son born.  When the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor happened on December 7, 1941, Mother was scared and worried that her son would never see his Dad.  She didn’t know for some time whether Dad survived or not.  I can imagine what she was going through at the time.  Constant worry and distress, trying to keep her head up, and take care of her son during a very scary time in American history.  Dad was in the middle of it, the beginning of WWII. 

Thousands of babies during WWII became toddlers while their fathers were away fighting for our country.  Although often too young to understand completely, kids feel and they are a lot smarter than parents think.  I believe my older sibling was exceptionally intelligent and highly strung as well.  Mother and son probably developed a co-dependency that served them well while Dad was away. Dad came home briefly one time during the war when his son was almost 2 years old.  This represents a significant period of time for a child not to know his father.  There would be virtually no memory of this first visit for a small toddler.

When Dad finally came home to stay after a 2 year absence, following his USS Belle Grove War Cruise in the Asiatic Pacific Theater,  his son could have been scared and suspicious of this big man who he knew only from pictures and talk about things he didn’t really understand.  He was also jealous, as any child would be, that this strange man was taking time away from the attention he was getting from his Mother; undivided attention.  Alcohol was a big part of life at that time as well, but not a healthy component in a family damaged by war and separation.  I believe my older sibling never felt comfortable or close to his dad since there was not an opportunity to bond until age 4 or 5.  It is my opinion that a child experiencing a long separation could have a difficult time developing a healthy lifetime relationship with a father they don’t bond with early in life.  Each experience like this is not always the same, but in my own family and from my research, it is clear that long separations are difficult to overcome, especially if a parent is a suffering from symptoms of PTSD or “battle fatigue” as it was called during WWII.”

Is “homemaking” still a viable choice for the modern woman?

In my book, Reconciliation A Son’s Story the subject of “homemaking” is compared and contrasted with contemporary realities.
“In the context of contemporary life, “homemaking” in the traditional way, although highly honorable, is not a generally realistic choice for the long term for either partner in a relationship where children’s needs must be met every step of the way.  The total emotional, nurturing, and financial needs of a family are difficult to achieve if one’s spouse is not fully engaged in a professional or vocational career.  It is realistic, however, to plan for mom or dad to stay home for a couple of years to provide the close care and bonding needed for a new child.  This goal is only possible if both parents achieve an adequate education beyond K-12, either academic or a vocational institution.  Our country just can’t afford to support a one income family anymore.  This reality started to kick-in during the 1950’s and was especially apparent as boomers became adults.  A huge “war chest” is necessary to minimize family debt and to provide for the education of each child.  Even with good financial support, college bound kids still need to be resourceful by getting their own loans and working along the way.
With the good education and success of both parents, dreams of family security, happiness, and a strong partnership in marriage are realistic to achieve.  Still, the challenges of raising a family in a chaotic and media driven 21st century world are many.  Technology affords us all a more efficient path forward, but requires education and funding as well.  The demands of work and school put big pressures on families, especially those who join the military and are sent off to war.  It is even more essential to plan smart as a young women or man to avoid early pregnancies and premature responsibilities in raising a family.  It is hard, very hard to get this done, and the risk of failure increases if partners do not practice a little discipline in making education a priority at the outset.  I discuss this with my kids and others whenever given the opportunity.  Be patient, be safe, and get educated or pay the price later, and a higher price at that.  Think about your choices and how they affect others in your life before making a move.  Life happens and the challenges are enormous.  Don’t make it harder than it needs to be.  Be smart and enjoy the journey while minimizing risk.  It’s not an easy journey, but doing the right things right make a huge difference. Avoid mistakes!”